Telling the Squad
by Ajroe
Summary: Amanda knows she needs to tell the squad what will come out when she testifies in court against Deputy Chief Patton. Based on the Forgiving Rollins promo. Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable
1. Chapter 1

Amanda's heart fell when she saw the subpoena on her desk. She knew she would need to testify against Chief Patton once the accusation came in, and she wanted to help the other Detective, but she didn't want to testify. She knew what would come out if she testified, she didn't want it out. She wanted to leave Atlanta behind. She had tried and been successful for years. But now it was going to come out no matter how hard she had tried to keep it in. She truly wanted to help the other detective and knew telling the court would really help. But the idea of telling people instilled more fear in her than she had felt in a long time. She had kept it secret from everyone besides the doctors that had checked her out. She couldn't help but wonder how much it would hurt the squad that she hadn't told them, she was an SVU detective she counsels victims daily and she couldn't take her own advice.

Deputy Chief Patton had raped her and she needed to tell people before it would come out in court.

* * *

><p>She had asked Finn to meet her after work at the nearest bar. She knew he would go all Papa Bear on her but would be accepting of her keeping this a secret for so long. She had gotten to the bar before he had giving her nerves enough time to build.<p>

When Finn arrived and saw her with her back turned to him he put a hand on her back alerting her of his presence. When she flinched as he rounded around to face her he knew something was up. "Hey 'Manda. How you been?" He asked with a deep concern.

"I've been better. You?" Amanda could help but stall no matter how much she wanted to and knew she needed to tell him.

"Not bad. What's up? You set to testify soon?" Finn realized she needed to do this at her own pace, whatever it was.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. So something that I haven't really told anyone is probably going to come up when I testify." Amanda felt her breath hitch in nervousness. She wasn't used to telling people and now she knew why and she hadn't even gotten to the hard part yet.

"Ok." Finn knew she needed to tell him what she was trying to and tried to help her get there.

"I left Atlanta because Chief Patton raped me." Amanda said in one breath. She knew if she didn't spit it out quickly if wasn't going to happen. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you" She added in another quick breath. She looked at Finn's face trying to read his emotions as they flashed across his face. Before he spoke he leaned in and brought her into the tightest hug he could manage, trying to help in the only way he knew how. He felt her let out the breath she had been unconsciously holding.

As he felt her start to cry he pulled away but left his hands on her shoulders; "You have nothing to be sorry about. Absolutely nothing. Thank you so much for trusting me and telling me this 'Manda. What can I do? Do you want to talk about it?" His deep concern was becoming more evident in both his face and tone of voice.

"Thank you. Just thank you." She wiped her few tears away upset and embarrassed that they were there. "I don't really want to talk about it. I just don't know what to do next or who to tell next." She tried to let him in as hard as it was for her.

"Well I think at least Liv, Nick, and Barba should know before trial." At her nod he kept talking. "I don't think you could really go wrong when it comes to order. Though I'm sure if you gave Barba enough notice he would be able to change his plans a little bit and make your testimony as effective as possible."

Amanda nodded again then spoke; "That's a really good point about Barba." She paused for a brief moment trying to come up with what to say; "Thanks Fin." She can't come up with anything else.

"Anytime." Fin cracks a genuine smile. "You make sure to let me know if he even looks at you funny. I'll make sure he regrets it." Amanda smiles seeing the Papa Bear in him coming out. "I'm sorry we have to investigate this case."

"Not your fault. I just hope I can be the final nail in his coffin." She finds a way to gain a new determination.

"There's the Amanda I know." He pats her on the shoulder.

* * *

><p>Thank you for reading! I hope to have 3 more chapters up in the next few days with all of this time on my hands from winter break. I would love to hear your reviews.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Amanda walked in to the squad room with her heart in her chest trying her hardest but failing to act normal. She knew Olivia would have more understanding than the guys but couldn't stop her worry. Her plan was to tell Olivia, Barba then Nick.

As she set down her stuff Finn caught her eye and seeing her worry gave her a reassuring smile. With Finn looking on she found the courage to knock on the Sargent's door. She was summoned in almost instantly. "Hey Sargent" Amanda entered hesitantly.

"Hi Amanda have a seat." Olivia looked up at her for the first time and noticed how hesitant Amanda looked and her concern grew instantly. "Everything alright?" she asked.

"I just want to bring you in on something that will come out in my testimony." Amanda couldn't remember her voice being quieter. "You deserve to know."

"I deserve to know what you want to tell me and nothing more." Olivia knew Amanda needed to talk but couldn't help interjecting as her heart fell.

Amanda couldn't gain any volume. "Chief Patton raped me and that's why I left Atlanta." She ripped off the figurative Band-Aid and glanced up at her Sargent's face right as it went from confusion to sympathy and shock.

"That's what you meant when you said something had happened but it wasn't worth pursuing." Olivia started to put the pieces together and it broke her heart. As she rounded her desk to sit next to Amanda she couldn't help but let a few tears fall.

"Please, I can't handle your sympathy right now." Amanda managed to say finally as she shifted herself away from Olivia.

Olivia got the message she was trying to send and gave Amanda some space. But she still stayed next to her. "Ok. Trust me I understand. What can I do to help?" Olivia placed a hand on her Detective's shoulder in a silent show of support.

"I'm not really sure. I just wanted to tell you because I figured it would come up during my testimony and wanted you to hear it from me first. I've already told Fin and plan to tell Barba and Nick later today. Though I was thinking Barba first so he could prep better for my testimony to help the other detective he hurt." Amanda quickly forced herself to stop rambling out of embarrassment.

"Ok. That sounds like a good plan." Olivia smiled as she saw the similarities between them. "Thank you for telling me." She tried to get Amanda to make eye contact unsuccessfully.

"I figured you guys at least deserved to know eventually. Especially since it was going to come out soon anyway. I'm so-"

"You have no need to apologize for anything Amanda. You don't owe me or anyone else in that squad room anything, you have to do what you need to do and what you're comfortable with. No one deserves to know anything you aren't comfortable telling them. Did you get checked out after the attack?" Olivia's voice was laced with concern.

"Yeah I went to a local clinic. I didn't have a rape kit done but I was ok physically." Amanda still avoided eye contact with Olivia.

"Well that's good. Did you go through all of this alone?" Olivia was almost positive she knew the answer but prayed she was wrong.

"Yeah. Finn was the first person I've told besides the doctors." Amanda's voice lost half of its already quiet volume.

"You aren't alone anymore. Amanda can I give you a hug?" Olivia wasn't sure how Amanda would react so she figured it would be better to ask first.

"Please." Amanda allowed herself a moment of weakness as she leaned into her Sargent's arms for support. But she didn't cry, she was determined not to because she was ever aware of the windows surrounding the office.

Amanda pulled out of the hug. Flashing the first real smile she had all day. "Thank you for listening Sargent." She slowly rose from her chair as Olivia did the same.

"Anytime you need someone to talk to you know where to find me, call anytime. Oh and call me Olivia. Sargent feels too formal." Olivia smiled as the detective left her office.

Amanda sat down at her desk with a sigh of relief. She came out of her thoughts to see Finn staring at her desperate for some sort of sign of how things went. She nodded and gave him a reassuring smile, he relaxed. She quickly started worrying about telling Barba and found it necessary to keep reminding herself that this would be good for both her and the other detective Patton hurt.

After a few minutes of stewing Amanda decided to give herself three hours to immerse herself in her work before telling Barba, she thought it seemed like a good chunk of time for a break. So she set an alarm on her phone and then realized she needed to talk to Nick first, to make sure it was ok if she went over to his house later.

As casually as she could she slid into the chair next to his desk. "Hey, can I come over to your place after work?" She tried to sound relaxed and normal but by the look he gave her she knew she failed.

"Sure, everything ok?" His voice echoed the concern she had heard in Fin and Olivia.

"Yeah, fine, thanks. See you later." She left as soon as she came, leaving a very confused Nick.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello! Thank you everyone for their kind reviews, followers, and favorites. This one is super short but Amanda's conversation with Nick next chapter will make up for it. After that I plan to be done, unless anyone has other ideas- if so let me know in the reviews.

Thanks for reading.

* * *

><p>Amanda couldn't stop shaking as she went to the A.D.A.'s office. She repeated in her head that this was going to be helpful for everyone, but she also couldn't stop focusing on how hard it was going to be. She quickly greeted his secretary and asked if he was there, thank god he was. After knocking she stepped past the point of no return, but of course Barba spoke before she could slip a word in.<p>

"How are you Rollins? Ready to testify? We should probably prep a little bit but you've done this before so you're good right?" The amount of coffee in his system evident to her the second he started speaking.

"Yeah. That's actually what I wanted to tell you about. It would probably help the case and come up anyway so I wanted to give you a heads up so you could prep for it." Amanda sat down across from where he was pacing behind his desk.

When Rafael noticed how nervous Amanda looked he stopped pacing and sat across from her; "Well I always appreciate a heads up." He wasn't quite sure how to proceed; "Did something happen between the two of you?" He couldn't think of anything else that would leave the typically calm detective so shaken.

Amanda let out a small laugh; "I guess you could say that". She paused and took a breath before she got to the hard part; "When I was working under him in Atlanta he raped me. I didn't have a rape kit done and it was years ago so I know there is nothing we can do but I want to help this other detective and stop him for good."

When she paused to take a breath he stepped in; "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Looking at his face Amanda saw emotion than she had ever seen the stoic A.D.A. express. "How can I make this easier for you? You say it and I'll do it." His mind went back to the job at hand, he knew she didn't want his sympathy, he learned that with Liv.

"If you could explicitly ask something that will bring it up so the defense doesn't that would be good. Honestly, just having you know makes me feel a little bit better. What kind of stuff will you and the defense want to know about it?" Amanda couldn't help or hide her embarrassment.

"Amanda, you know there is nothing here to be ashamed or embarrassed about right?" Rafael sensed the embarrassment in her voice. "Are their similarities in her story and yours?" Amanda nodded not making eye contact with the man across from her. "Ok. Well we don't have to go over those together but I think those would really help the case so I would at least think it through. As far as the defense goes I would just prepare yourself for the usual onslaught of typical questions regarding your decision not to report. The only thing I would worry about from the defense is they'll think you're making it up but hopefully we can surprise his attorney and give him no time to prepare. If you want to do any prep together let me know. You haven't done much work on the case correct?"

"Ok. I haven't really with him being my old superior and everything." Amanda nodded, knowing what was coming helped. "Thank you. I appreciate this."

"Of course. If there is anything you think I should ask you or anything you want me to avoid asking that you think of I basically live here so let me know." They both allow themselves to smile as they stand up. "We're going to get him Amanda." She knows it's true when she sees the determination in his eyes. Rafael had one more thing he needed to say before they parted; "If you ever need someone to talk to, I mean outside of this trial, I'm always here."

"Thank you Rafael." Amanda smiled eternally grateful for both his reaction and everything he offered to do to help her.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello again! Due to popular demand I decided to split Amanda telling Nick into 2 chapters. I am currently not done with the second half and have no idea where I want to end it-I just keep getting ideas. I do want to finish by the time the episode airs so expect the final update by then. Again thanks for all of your kind reviews and I hope to hear more!

* * *

><p>Amanda was letting her nerves get the best of her as she paced around her house trying to get up the guts to go to Nick's. She was already emotionally exhausted from telling two people in one day and didn't want to tell Nick but knew that it was either now or never. She knew he would be pretty sympathetic but she knew she could handle it. She hoped he would be understanding of everything.<p>

Nick had spent the hour since he had gotten home pacing nervously, worried about the conversation he was about to have with Amanda, unaware that she was doing the exact same thing. He had seen her in Liv's office and they hugged, that can't bode well for Amanda. Olivia had also shed a few tears. Even as close as they had gotten he had never seen Amanda express much emotion but she seemed pretty flustered and nervous when she asked to come over and that freaked him out.

As she finally drove over to Nick's she was fighting her nausea, she couldn't remember a time in her life when she was more nervous. She had to stop her thoughts from going too far because if she caused an accident she wasn't going to be able to tell Nick anything no matter how much nerve she had worked up. She tried to come up with some opening lines to transition into telling him that she had been raped; "I want to tell you something that will come up in my testimony" seemed to formal but she didn't want to open with; "Patton raped me". She knew she needed to find some sort of a middle ground in the two minutes she had before she got to his house.

When Nick opened his door he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that what Amanda was about to tell him. "Hey" she spoke in the quietest voice he had ever heard and he just wanted to give her a hug.

"Hey Amanda. Come on in." He opened the door wider to allow her to pass in. "Would you like something to drink?" When she said she didn't he gestured down to the couch and they both sat down.

"Sorry for the last minute notice." Amanda sat down almost positive that her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. In the back of her mind she knew Nick would be so understanding, but she just couldn't get that thought through her whole mind. "I just really need to tell you something because I want you to hear it from me just the two of us before it comes out later."

"Ok." Nick was struggling to keep his fear from showing in his face and body language.

"Chief Patton raped me in Atlanta and that's why I left to come here." This time Amanda couldn't look away from Nick as she tried to gage his reaction before he spoke. All she saw was that his facial features fell as he reached over to hold her hand.

"I'm so sorry Amanda. What can I do?" His heart broke as she dropped eye contact with him.

"Just you being here and listening is more helpful than you know. Thank you. I didn't really have anyone at the time." Amanda really wanted to let him in as hard as it was for her.

"Oh 'Manda." Nick was struggling to hold back his emotions. "Did you get checked out?" When she nodded to the affirmative he tried to prod at little further; "Did you report it?"

This was what Amanda had worried about. She pushes victims to report their assaults almost daily, not reporting hers makes her look and feel weak. She unwillingly retracted to the same quiet voice she had before; "No, not at the time at least. I told Barba, Fin, and Liv already." she answered his question as she retracted her hand away from his in embarrassment.

"There is nothing to be embarrassed about here. You did what you needed to do at the time. Please don't shut me out here. I don't think any different of you than I did a half hour ago I promise." Nick moved his position so even if she wasn't making eye contact she could see him and hopefully see the support he was trying to give her. He quickly realized that this was not the time to be angry, that would definitely come later. "Do you want to talk about it?" Nick knew that if she was going to talk it had to be on her terms.

"It hurts." Amanda's voice cracked at her confession, she felt like she needed to talk about it but she didn't feel like she could.

"Can I hold you Amanda?" He asked because he knew that it would make him feel better and hopefully make her feel safer to open up.

"Please." Amanda shuffled up and put her head on Nick's chest and drew on the comfort she knew he was trying to give. "Thank you." Amanda tried as hard as she could manage not to cry. She wasn't sure she was ready to let him in all the way.

"Always. I'm just sorry I wasn't there sooner." Nick had started to rub her back in what he hoped was a soothing way and by how she seemed to relax he assumed it was.

"Not your fault though I really wish you were." Amanda's voice cracked as she accidentally let a few tears slip but immediately brought the palms of her hands to her eyes to wipe them away.

Nick took her hands away from her eyes and held them in his own. "I'm here now though." Nick knew what she needed no matter how much she didn't want it to happen. "You are safe here and I am here for you 'Manda. It's ok to let it out here. It won't make me think any differently of you I promise. You are safe here"


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda shook from her emotion; "I'm scared Nick."

"Of what?" His heart broke.

"Of letting go." Amanda tried as hard as she could to hold it in.

"There is nothing to be scared of here. It's just me and I'm here as long as you need me to be, I'll do whatever I can do to help. It's eating you up inside 'Manda please let it go." Nick realized he needed to push her a little bit or it wouldn't happen.

At his words she broke. The years of pain were coming out all at once and she couldn't do anything to stop it no matter how hard she tried. She began to remember everything and cried harder than she thought she could. She shrunk her body up so she was in his lap with her knees close to her head.

Nick was struggling to hold in his emotion as he saw one of the strongest women he had ever met breaking down right in front of him. He adjusted himself as she curled into him and just whispered soothing sounds and words in her ear and kept rubbing her back. He couldn't remember feeling as powerless as he felt but he just tried to be there in the moment for her, knowing she hadn't had anyone for years.

"I fought him so hard." Amanda had gained control of her tears enough to speak, but was still crying heavily.

"I know. I know. I promise I know. " Nick lost the battle with his own tears as they began to fall. He kissed the top of her head firmly and protectively then began to run his fingers through her hair. "His actions don't change how I think about you, I promise. I want you to tell me what you want to tell me, not what you think is going to make me think of you better. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met and this doesn't change that at all." He spoke with a comforting firmness that she had never heard from him before.

"But…" As much as Nick wanted to jump in and stop her he wanted to let her talk; "I couldn't fight hard enough." As her voice cracked Amanda's tears returned.

"I know I wasn't there but just by knowing you I can almost guarantee you gave him hell. I know he was your superior and at work no matter what he did it was right but what he did to you wasn't right, and I'm glad you gave him hell." Nick didn't think his heart could break anymore as his tears didn't stop falling.

Nick's speech didn't help as she tried to stop crying; "God, I'm sorry I keep crying."

"No need for apologizing, I would be concerned if you weren't tearing up. I'm here for as long as you need. Please just give yourself time to feel this."

Amanda allowed herself to relax into Nick's arms around her. "I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life Nick. I knew there was nothing I could do. I knew it would be he said she said and no one would believe me against him. I felt so helpless." She had to remind herself to keep breathing as she finally let someone else in.

"You aren't helpless anymore Amanda. You have everyone behind you, you just ask for whatever you need and we all have your back. I promise. You aren't alone anymore." Nick didn't know what to say to get her to wrap her head around the support around her.

"I'm scared to testify against him. I really want to but I'm not sure I can." Amanda didn't want to stay focused on the attack, she didn't think she could.

"That makes a lot of sense. You said you told Barba?" Amanda nodded. "Well Barba will destroy him on the stand when the time comes. Barba will be as easy as he can with you, you've seen him with other witnesses." Nick was careful not to call Amanda a victim. "And when the defense is cross examining you he is up there and on your side, if they cross a line he will stop them quicker than you can even process. Maybe his coffee addiction will be on your side for once." They both smiled. "It won't be easy but you can do this Amanda, I have 100 percent faith in you."

"I don't want to talk about it in front of that many people. I don't want to talk about it in front of anybody." Amanda curled into herself further.

"Just because of the painful memories?" Nick was pretty sure that the memories weren't the only reason she was scared, there was something else but he wanted her to be the one to say it.

"That's a big part of it." Amanda couldn't keep talking no matter how much she wanted to.

Nick felt she had more to say; "I'm right here and that's where I'm going to stay. I promise." If he had to reassure her all night that's what he would do if it helped her.

"I had to do stuff I didn't want to Nick. Stuff that he could easily claim was consensual. I was so scared Nick, it wasn't me." Amanda's chest started to jump as her tears came back.

Nick tried to soothe her as his own heart broke further than he thought it could. "You did what you judged to be best, what you thought would keep you safe, there is never anything wrong with that and if the defense brings it up you tell them exactly what you just told me. You did what you had to. Your safety is more important to me and anyone else in that squad room than what you had to do to get a rapist off of your back. I promise."

When Nick looked to Amanda she seemed in deep thought trying to wrap her head around what he had just said. All she said was "I'm exhausted."

Nick couldn't help but smile; "I believe it. You are welcome to stay here if you want." Nick immediately backtracked once he saw the look of surprise on her face. "Not like that. I just thought you might not want to be alone tonight." Nick felt his face flush in embarrassment.

"Yeah being alone is probably a bad idea right now." Nick felt his heart slow down at her answer. "Thanks." Amanda flashed a true smile, grateful for the amazing group of people she had surrounded herself with.

"Of course 'Manda. Anytime." Nick returned the smile.

* * *

><p>Well that's all I have for this story. Thanks to everyone who followed,favorited andor reviewed, I apperciate it a lot.


End file.
